Star Wars Kinect: is Kudo destined for Carbonite as gamer anger turns to hate and hate leads to ..suffering?

Terminal Reality made their name with a game that was probably the best Star Wars game that was a Star Wars game in everything but name ... it had epic  battles , you could fly down to planet surfaces , fly into Death Star style tunnels and do all this with a JOYSTICK ! I speak of course of Terminal Velocity : a game that was a better representation of all that made Star Wars great using DOS running 286 cpus and floppy disks in 1995 than Star Wars Kinect manages with the now limping Xbox 360 next gen and magical Kinect controller less gaming controller ( or should that be game less controller less gaming controller....doh!) in 2012....

 and here is a little of that most impressive title

Star Wars Kinect ,  is getting trash compacted in every review going. And if there were justice the Hutts would have it's coders and chief evangelist and scruffy lookin nerf herder and Kinect valedictorian Mr Kudo 'I watch other people jump around mkay' Tsunoda encased in carbonite for crimes against gaming . It is an incredibly bad game and Kudo knows it which is why he has been hyping it as AAA on many a blog site, but that is his opinion , in actual fact  it is so bad it is frakking good too . OK no it is isn't . It is the greatest disappointment since Lucas's right hemisphere's neurons and axons sparked and spat out what we experienced as Howard the Duck  . But compared to Star Wars Kinect Howard the Duck is a work of genius.


So what of Terminal Reality's Star Wars Kinect? The pod racing is passable but no where near Factor 5s N64 and Dreamcast version, the Jedi combat is so bad it does not bare commenting on , space battles look most impressive and you get to be a Rancor . Problem is the Kinect hooked to the limited power of an Xbox 360 could not even replicate Jabba's movements ... every criticism leveled at Kinect as a gaming controller is beautifully highlighted by Terminal Reality's attempt to shoe in as many  Kinect casual games as possible . Rest assured everything you imagined you would or could be doing in Star Wars Kinect is conspicuously absent and everything you never imagined is right in your face like Kudo for example Han Solo dancing. 

Star Wars Kinect  is something that really should lead to a rebellion at Microsoft . Because if they keep hold of this lot for the nextbox then they are doomed ....

After finishing this rant I am off to see if I can patch Dark Forces Jedi Knight 2 to work with Kinect on the PC ... there is as they say another hope or something like that .... Really Mr Lucas , Star Wars Kinect ? We want Xwing and Jedi Knight updates , this game's development should have been given to Travellers Tales , and Terminal Reality should be confined to making casual phone Apps for the rest of their existence as penance . 

 And as for  Mr Kinect supremo Mr Kudo Tsunoda its the carbonite chamber for you I fear... if this is the drivel you want to pass off as Kinect gaming then your days are numbered ...and I don't need to be a Jedi to figure that out ....  Reading his opinions about how awesome Star Wars Kinect is over on MCV , would make even Peter Molyneux blush with humble contrition, or actually he would probably take notes on how to hype his next game come to think of it .... We love you really Mr Molyneux… but what we want is more Syndicate and less Fable ...


Kinect shines on the PC where you have sufficient processing power , and freedom to program /hack /update and cater for core audiences . You can play Skyrim and there is no reason why you cannot control your Windows 8 desktop too...But on an aged console it is just pointless... And especially in the hands of a producer who seems to have spent more time watching people jump up and down in front of Kinect than actually doing it himself , which would in seconds reveal that Star Wars Kinect is simply Bantha Pudu , hot and steaming , really it takes seconds to realize that Jedi combat does not work , that Star Wars fans are not going to take to Han Solo sing a long dances , although Mr Ford is probably laughing all the way to the bank...
There is no way a real fan of Star Wars , i.e. one who was at least 7 in 1977 would have made this game , or tolerated it's production . It is as many reviewers commented just a Cynical with a capital C attempt to cash in.

The casual market targeting of Kinect was wisely directed at a casual market dominated by Nintendo and the Wii mote. The execs at Microsoft moved to counter and take a slice of casual gaming . But that casual market is no longer swinging wiimotes , it moved on to phones and tablets, Macs and soon even PCs , meanwhile Microsoft is left swinging its virtual lightsabres to a non existent audience that now taps , and swipes at its games on their iOS or Android device of casual servitude... And the core audience that really would have loved to see real core integration of Kinect is left dancing with Han Solo in danger of imminent serious injury....there never was a more wretched hive of sc...
I weep with fear at the thought of what they will do with Steel Battalion Heavy Armor .... and will someone at Microsoft please take pity on Darth Tsunoda surely it must take  a lot out of him to have pedal Bantha Pudu like Star Wars Kinect ...but maybe that is his destiny.....

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